im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
