The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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