Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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