when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
