I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Houston, we have a squirter
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
