found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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