You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
