Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
