just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
