apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Verdict: uncircumcised.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
