Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
a search helicopter?!
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
