Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
