Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
