I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
