Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
