Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Randomize
