I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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