the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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