we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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