my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
