saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
