sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
