So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
