I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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