woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
