So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
