My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
