Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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