can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
