I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize