508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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