I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
