Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
