There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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