I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
