Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
