it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
