She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i drank out of a bidet.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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