if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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