I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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