you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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