I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
