It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize