Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You made out with two different species that night
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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