It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
