he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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