i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My dick has a subreddit
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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