I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
