i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
