my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
