i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
