Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
