I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
