totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
