All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
