I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
