we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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